Infidelity is a devastating blow to any relationship. Recovering from it can be even more painful than the initial discovery. Many couples feel lost and confused about how to move forward. It's especially challenging when the unfaithful partner seems to be doing everything "right" on paper, yet something still feels off.
At this point, couples often find themselves stuck in a cycle of doubt. Why isn't anything working? How can they be doing everything right and still feel so adrift? Is the relationship beyond repair? These are common questions when trust rebuilding stalls. Fear and uncertainty are normal, but hope and healing are possible.
This post aims to answer a common question: Why do we feel stuck even when the harmful behaviors have stopped?
Let's start by asking the unfaithful partner: Are you truly rebuilding trust, or are you rebuilding entitlement?
It's easy to fall into the trap of "doing everything right" by avoiding harmful behaviors (porn, infidelity, lying) and instead focusing on honesty, transparency, and openness. Perhaps you're sharing your location, sending photos, or granting access to your phone. These are positive steps toward creating safety and security.
However, here's the trap: believing that these actions automatically equate to trust. Inevitably, something will trigger your partner's distrust, no matter how careful you've been. They'll be reminded of the pain caused by your betrayal. At this point, you have a choice: retreat into shame or face your partner's pain head-on. This is a defining moment for the relationship.
If you retreat into shame, arguments escalate, and both partners feel isolated and misunderstood. The belief that "if I do the right things, they should trust me" creates a sense of entitlement. It's as if you're saying, "How dare they question me when I'm behaving perfectly?" This "if-then" formula leads to endless cycles of distrust and pain.
So, if doing the right things isn't the key, what is?
Trust-building actions are essential, but they're empty without genuine empathy. To truly rebuild trust, the unfaithful partner must meet their partner's pain with compassion, not defensiveness. Phrases like, "Your pain makes sense," "I've hurt you deeply," or "I see the pain I've caused, and I want to make things right" can be incredibly powerful. Sometimes, simply being present and offering comfort can be enough to show your partner that you're there for them.
Sharing emotional pain is vulnerable, especially with the person who caused it. If the unfaithful partner shuts down or invalidates their partner's feelings, trust becomes nearly impossible.
The good news is that everyone has the capacity to grow and change. It won't be easy, and you might need to heal your own wounds before supporting your partner. But is it worth it? Ultimately, that decision is yours. Remember, you have the power to choose between entitlement and genuine trust.
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