By Spencer Posey, LMFT #141641, specializing in infidelity and affair recovery for couples
Few experiences shake a marriage the way an affair does. Discovery turns daily life upside down: one partner reels from betrayal while the other carries shame and fear about what comes next. Infidelity recovery is the slow, structured work of understanding what happened, tending the wounds it left, and deciding what future to build. At Landmark Christian Counseling in Westlake Village, we walk with couples and individuals through each of those steps. Many people carry an affair privately for months, and naming the pain out loud is often the first meaningful move toward healing.
Can a marriage actually recover from an affair?
Many marriages do recover, and some couples describe the rebuilt relationship as more honest than what they had before. Recovery is rarely a straight line, though, and it looks different for every couple. Some partners know quickly that they want to stay; others need real time and support to decide.
Research by Mitchell and colleagues (2026) on the injured partner's decision-making process suggests that recovery varies widely from couple to couple. Injured partners often weigh specific factors, such as their reasons for staying, the renegotiation of boundaries, and the resources available to them. A thoughtful therapeutic process honors that agency instead of rushing anyone toward a predetermined answer. Your priorities get to matter here, whichever direction they eventually point.
What happens to intimacy after infidelity?
Shifts in a couple's intimate life are common after an affair. Timm (2023), in work on the sexual relationship after an affair, describes withdrawal, changes in frequency, and new difficulties as frequent experiences. Naming these changes openly is often part of a fuller recovery, and therapy offers a safe place to do it.
Part of what makes infidelity so painful is that it touches many areas of a relationship at once, including physical connection. Some couples pull away from each other entirely. Others move closer in ways that feel confusing. Both patterns make sense in the aftermath of betrayal, and neither one has to define the marriage's future. In session, these subjects come up at a pace both partners can handle, with language that keeps the conversation safe for each of them.
What therapy approaches help couples after an affair?
At Landmark Christian Counseling we tailor couples therapy to each situation, and we use EMDR when distressing memories keep one partner flooded. Other established frameworks, including Emotionally Focused Therapy, the Gottman Method, and Patrick Carnes' task-based model, inform how clinicians in this field structure affair recovery.
For the betrayed partner, intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, and a racing mind are understandable responses to a real injury. Attachment-based thinking, rooted in the work of John Bowlby, frames infidelity as an attachment injury, and Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Sue Johnson, was built to repair exactly that kind of wound. This lens validates the depth of what a betrayed partner feels while guiding both people toward more consistent, responsive ways of relating.
EMDR, developed by Francine Shapiro, uses bilateral stimulation to help the brain reprocess disturbing memories so they carry less charge over time. For someone haunted by images tied to the affair, that relief can make it easier to stay present in couples sessions instead of being pulled under by distress.
The Gottman Method, developed by John and Julie Gottman, offers structured tools for rebuilding friendship, managing conflict, and re-establishing trust, and many couples find those skills useful for restoring honest dialogue while reducing contempt and stonewalling. Where compulsive sexual behavior sits alongside the affair, Patrick Carnes' task-based model separates stabilization, disclosure, and long-term recovery into clear phases that give both partners a shared sense of direction.
How does faith fit into affair recovery?
For many couples, questions of covenant, forgiveness, and moral injury sit right alongside the practical work of rebuilding. At Landmark Christian Counseling, those questions are welcome. We integrate spiritual beliefs with clinically grounded methods for stabilization, disclosure, and repair, always at your pace, and clients from every background and tradition are received with respect.
Some spouses feel anger, including anger directed toward God. Others long for a grace they are unsure they can extend or receive. Both belong in the room. Themes of hope, restoration, and a relationship remade can become meaningful anchors for couples who share them. For other couples, the work centers on safety and clarity, and that is a worthy place to begin. The depth of your own convictions sets the tone, and the pace stays yours.
What support is available in Westlake Village while we heal?
Affair recovery takes time, and acute distress can surface along the way. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline offers free, confidential support around the clock by call, text, or chat at 988. Californians can also reach the CalHOPE peer support warm line at (833) 317-4673 and the NAMI HelpLine at 1-800-950-6264.
For residents in the Los Angeles County portion of Westlake Village, the county Department of Mental Health ACCESS Line offers 24/7 screening, referral, and crisis response. These supports work best alongside ongoing therapeutic care. Because Westlake Village spans two counties and many families juggle demanding schedules, we also offer telehealth to clients located anywhere in California, which can keep sessions consistent when life is full.
Whatever you eventually decide about your relationship, tending to your own stability and understanding first is one avenue that can offer more clarity and confidence in the road ahead. Reaching out takes courage, and we would be honored to walk with you.
Common questions
Should we tell our therapist everything about the affair?
Honesty with your therapist matters, and the timing and structure of full disclosure between partners deserves care. Blurted, partial admissions tend to deepen the injury, so many clinicians guide couples through a planned disclosure process. Your therapist can help you decide what to share, when, and in what setting.
How long does affair recovery take?
Most couples should expect a process measured in months to years rather than weeks. Early work focuses on stabilizing both partners, the middle phase on understanding how the affair happened and rebuilding honest dialogue, and later work on restored trust. Pacing varies with each couple's history, resources, and goals.
Can we come to counseling if we have not decided whether to stay married?
Yes. Many couples arrive undecided, and some individuals come alone before their spouse is ready. Therapy can hold that uncertainty while both people regain stability and clarity. Research on injured partners suggests the deciding process itself deserves support, with room for your reasons, boundaries, and resources to be weighed honestly.
Does faith have to be part of our counseling?
No. Faith integration is offered to couples who want it and set aside for those who prefer clinical work alone. Some couples find shared beliefs a powerful anchor for rebuilding; others focus entirely on safety, communication, and trust. You choose the role your convictions play from the first session.
Spencer Posey, LMFT #141641 | Landmark Christian Counseling | https://landmarkchristiancounseling.com
This content is for educational purposes only and does not constitute therapy or a therapeutic relationship.